THE CLIENT
A sharp B2B fractional CMO.
Doing solid work with early-stage SaaS and services, but struggling to land new clients cold.
Their original email? Professional, polite, completely ignorable.
Zero punch. Buried the value. No edge.
THE ORIGINAL EMAIL
Subject: Let’s Connect
Hey there,
I hope this finds you well. I came across your company recently and was impressed by what you’re building. I’m a fractional CMO helping early-stage startups develop and execute marketing strategies that drive growth.
If you’re ever looking for support in this area, I’d love to connect and see how I can help.
Best,
[Name]
THE REWRITE
Subject: your growth is sharp — your copy isn’t
Hey —
Saw your site. You’ve clearly got traction. But the offer?
Reads like you wrote it between calls.Not your fault. Most founders scale the business faster than the story.
I’m a fractional CMO who specializes in fixing that gap — turning the work you already do into copy that closes before the call.
Want me to show you what I’d do with your current site? Free, no strings.
Worst case, you steal the punchlines.
— [Name]
THE RESULT
Sent to 28 qualified leads
9 replied within 48 hours
3 booked calls
1 signed a $6k/month retainer (closed in 72 hours — $18k contract)
WHY OUR VERSION WINS
1. Subject line with tension.
“Let’s connect” gets deleted.
“Your growth is sharp — your copy isn’t” gets opened.
It’s a jab, then a hook. And it signals this isn’t a mass email.
2. Lead with proof. Not compliments.
“Impressed by what you’re building” = they’ve heard that 100x.
“This reads like you wrote it between calls” = someone paying attention.
3. Offer framed as value, not ask.
We don’t ask for a call.
We offer a free punch-up — which does two things:
Shows our eye
Flips the power dynamic
No Calendly link. No neediness.
4. Ends with swagger, not pitch.
“Worst case, you steal the punchlines.”
That line alone has booked dozens of responses.
It’s casual, confident, and makes replying feel like a cheat code.
